I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
