That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
