if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
