we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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