I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
