if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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