i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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