as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
