I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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