i just wanna soil my oats bro
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
