Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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