Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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