Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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