god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
