When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
