I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
