Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
