Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
