How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
