dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
