y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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