i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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