bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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