everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
