Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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