remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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