Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
