You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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