Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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