I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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