I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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