I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
