My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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