naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
