Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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