She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
