my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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