I'm so fucking centered right now
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
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words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
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Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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