mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it penis luge time yet?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize