New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
