she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
