I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Randomize
