omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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