his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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