I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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