I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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