who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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