If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
