took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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