he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Come share oat with me in your robe
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