My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
