me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
