i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
