new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
