You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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