I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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