last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
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Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
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You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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