i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
