Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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