i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
